Finding Sirius
by Luinramwen
Summary: Everyone's favourite movie about clownfish is crossed with the world of Harry Potter. The result? Madness and colourful insanity, all gathered into one 'special' li'l fic! RR please.
1. Scene One: Ga BA! Translation: IMPOSTOR!

A/N - Presenting....Finding Sirius, a HP/FN crossover thingy, starring everyone's favourite Marauder! 

*Gets clobbered by p.o'ed Remus fangirls, including the other half of the director herself, who does not agree at all*

X_X Ow... OK...starring everyone's SECOND- favourite Marauder.

*Is beaten over the head by Lily*

OW! Merlin, what've I got to do to NOT get clobbered?! X-(

Presenting... Finding Sirius, starring the only Marauder who is actually a favourite, is not a werewolf, and does not have messy black hair - except that he DID get awfully messy hair while he was in Azkaban...so I guess that doesn't count - except - wait! By that time James had kicked the bucket! So they never had messy hair at the same time!

.................

SCREW THIS! .

Presenting Finding Sirius. A combination of Finding Nemo and Harry Potter. Directed by Luinramwen, script written by Luinramwen and all her muses on sugar. Starring Sirius. (Duh!) .

Disclaimer - don't own...am currently p.o'ed. LEAVE ME ALONE!!

*~*SCENE ONE*~*

[Halloween night. A little house out in the middle of a reef - sorry, town!]

~Baby Harry, though still, of course, just a baby, is busy thinking deep and thoughtful thoughts.~

Harry - Gurgle! [Translation: I am lucky. I have this lovely view out my window of the exact middle of a tree-trunk, I'm fed and changed and adored by two loving parents. What more could I ask for? ^u^]

~Lily and James enter the baby's nursery, followed by a strange man who is of course immediately recognized by fangirls everywhere~

Fangirls: ^_^ ORLANDOOOOOO! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

~Orlando gulps and dives under the crib on the set~

Director - ?!? What the hell?! CUT! Get out of here before you're slobbered to death! You can hide in my closet. ^_^ It's safer there.

~No, seriously, the strange man is Sirius Black, though Harry obviously doesn't recognize him~

Harry - Ga! [Translation: Gah! How dare you bring this strange man that I obviously don't recognize into MY house! Get out!]

Lily - See, Sirius? Of course he recognizes you. He certainly should...you're over here so damn often...

Harry - GA! [Translation: GAH! Why aren't you doin like I told you to? Get him out of here!]

James - Pay no attention to her Padfoot, she's just joking.

Lily - . Sure I am...

~Sirius is not paying any attention to his friends. Strangely enough, he can speak Baby and is very insulted by Harry's comments about him~ 

Sirius - *glares* Ba! [Translation: How rude!]

Harry - *innocent* Ha! [Translation: Whatever ARE you talking about?]

Sirius - Ma! [Translation: You know perfectly well. This is the thanks I get! I thought we were friends!]

Lily - .... ^_- Hunh?!

James - It's all right, dear, they're having a nice little conversation. Let's just let them be for awhile. You can go finish making the soup.

Lily - @_@ LEAVE?! Leave SIRIUS?! With HARRY?! Are you mad?

Harry - *furious* Ga BA! {Translation: IMPOSTOR! I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU!]

James - Oh, come on, Lily, I'd trust Sirius with my life, surely you can trust him with Harry. It's just for a few minutes anyways. What could possibly go wrong?

~This... as James leads a reluctant Lily out of the room~

Sirius - . Grrrr.... [Translation: If I wasn't your godfather, why I'd -}

Harry - !! [Translation: !! There's something outside!]

Sirius - Meh. [Translation: How can you possibly tell? It's so dark out you can't even see the exact middle of the tree trunk about six inches outside your window!] *Looks out window, narrowly missing conking his head on the said tree*

~All is silent...eerily silent...outside. Nothing stirs. To increase the spookiness, nothing is even stirring downstairs where Lily and James are, although that could be accountable to the fact that the soup that had been boiling on the stove is now done~

[cue ominous music]

Sirius: *ignores ominous music* Gabo. [Translation: See, Harry? Nothing out -]

~A large explosion down below. Harry and Sirius both start in surprise.~

Harry - EEEEE! [Translation: Then what was THAT?!]

~Sirius sticks his head out the window again. This time his head connects hard with the tree~

Sirius - X_X *tumbles out the window, unconscious*

Harry - Ow.

~Lily runs into the room, terrified and pale. She snatches Harry up protectively~

[segue into scary music]

Harry - @_@ Uh-oh.

~Uh-oh is right. What follows is a scene the director is sure you are all familiar with, namely, another loud bang and a yell from downstairs, then Voldemort rushing into the nursery and [cue End of the World] waltzing around the room with Lily~

Lily and Harry - ^_- ???

Director - U_U Sorry, wrong script. CUT!

Lily - Besides...I don't think that song's a waltz. Too fast, for one thing.

Director - You're telling me? I'm the one who made that up! ACTION!

~Uh-oh is right. What follows is a scene the director is sure you are all familiar with, namely, another loud bang and a yell from downstairs, then Voldemort rushing into the nursery and killing Lily, then attempting to kill Harry, but obviously failing miserably, otherwise this story and the original Harry Potter series wouldn't exist, which would of course be a very bad thing. More so if the original series didn't exist, but that's beside the point~

[An hour later, indicated by short blackout]

Sirius - *lying conked out in the bushes* X_X

~Hagrid appears out of nowhere. He goes into the house, picking his way through the wreckage, takes Harry from the late Lily, come out again and sees Sirius lying conked out in the bushes~

Hagrid - ??....Sirius?...

Sirius - X_X

Hagrid - Uhhh....Sirius?...Yeh allrigh'?

Sirius - X_X

Hagrid - ....SIRIUS, WAKE UP!

Sirius - X_X

Hagrid - *shrugs* Meh. 

~Hagrid sees Sirius' motorbike keeled over in the grass and decides to borrow it. He guns the motor and flies off into the night.~

Harry - *hic* [Translation: I've losht everyone, includin' that man I obvioushly didn' reconnize! I'm all alone *hic*.....alsho, I've been drinkin' from Hagrid'sh flashk of brandy]

Hagrid - Hey, you! You're too young to be drinking! . *snatches brandy flask from Harry and gulps down the few remaining drops, then tosses flask away*

Harry - ... -_-

*~*~*

A/N - well...that was just plain weird. Meh. *shrugs and tries to shake Sirius awake* C'mon Sirius...let's get out of here and get you ready for scene two, before your fangirls show up.


	2. Scene Two: Who's Sirius?

A/N - Presenting... Finding Sirius. A combination of Finding Nemo and Harry Potter. Directed by Luinramwen, script written by Luinramwen and all her muses on sugar. Starring Sirius. 

You can really tell this is a low-budget film...I should have hired a better voice for the Voiceover. Next time I need one I'll get one of my muses to do it. And next time I'm adding the voiceover on in the studio, where the Voice is out of harm's way.

I'd hate filming fight scenes if I really was a director, plus I had to work with a lot of characters I really hate...though a character is introduced whom we all know and love. *shudders* Thus all the bloopers in this chapter. Damn fangirls.

Disclaimer - I own the concept and the remainders of my sets. Oh, and some frayed rope and a Pomeranian pit (You'll get it later).

*~*SCENE TWO*~*

[blackout]

Voiceover - The rest is history. You already know how Harry grows up, goes to Hogwarts, escapes the Dark Lord several more times, meets the godfather he'd thought he'd lost when he was a baby, blah de blah de blah...

[slowly the darkness fades to reveal the Death Room in the Department of Mysteries] 

~Numerous Death Eaters and Order of the Phoenix members are knocking the stuffing out of each other with wands and weird spells as the voiceover continues.~

Voiceover - Everything had been going along swimmingly - well, if not very swimmingly, at least things hadn't been going along sinkingly - until now. Harry hated fighting Death Eaters, especially ones who had been so close to the man who'd murdered his parents. Plus he was very unhappy at the fact that his godfather, Sirius, was fighting too, risking death or capture. Sirius, however - HEY! *yells at random Death Eater angrily* Watch where you're aiming those spells, buddy!

Random Death Eater - U_U Sorry.

Voiceover - Now, if we can continue without further interruption - *glares at random Death Eater*

RDE - *gulp* @_@

Voiceover - Sirius, however, was out of the Order's HQ for the first time in almost a year, and was taking many risk, necessary...and unnecessary...*cough*showoff*cough*

~Sirius does cool Matrix trick. Several Death Eaters forget themselves and applaud. Sirius takes a bow~

Director - CUT!

Bellatrix - . KEEP FIGHTING THEM, YOU SCUM!

~The Director glares at Bellatrix in a silent warning to remember this is only a film~

Death Eaters - U_U Sorry...

Voiceover - Can I get this over with? Now? Please? 

Director - ACTION!

Voiceover - *takes a deep breath* SiriusdecidedtopickafightwithhiscousinBellatrixLestrange -

~Angry fans storm the set and attack Bellatrix~

Director - CUUUUUT! GET OFF THE SET! . You can all write sadistic fanfictions about murdering her until the movie is done being filmed. Then she will probably die. Trust me. *grin evilly*

~The Voiceover grumbles and looks inordinately grouchy. Security guards put up fangirl barrier~

Director - *Sighs * ACTION!

Voiceover - *in severely pissed off tone*...and fans everywhere wept as, in the midst of taunting Bellatrix, Sirius was hit with a spell shot by his treacherous -

~Fangirls insert a combination of insults that no decent director hoping to keep her movie at the PG-13 level would decline to translate, and proceed to cut immediately~

Voiceover - . - cousin, that sent him falling backwards through the Veil.

[slow-mo]

Harry - *horrified* S I R I U S! N O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O!

[the Veil flutters, then burps]

Director - . Damn sound technicians! CUT! Play with the the sound effects later, please. The "Amazing Sound Sequence" is still coming up.

Sound Technicians - Sorry. We got bored.

Director - *Sighs* ACTION!

~Harry rushes forward, heedless of the dangers posed by the other combatants. However, as this is movie-land, he can stop fighting in the middle of a battle and NOT GET HURT! Go artistic license!~

Director - *rolls eyes*

~Ummm...yes...well...Harry rushes forward towards the Veil but gets cut off by two duellers. All sign of Sirius is lost~

Harry - Merlin, I've lost him again! And I promised myself that would NEVER happen again! I've got to DO something!

~Out of the mess of Death Eaters and Order members hurries a figure, that, upon recognition, makes millions of fangirls freak out and start screaming~

Fangirls - *hopefully* Is it Orli this time?

Director - NO! Orlando Bloom is not in this movie! I wish he was, but he's not! Now go away!

~Unless of course there happens to be any Remus Lupin fangirls in that crowd...~

Fangirls - @_@ ^u^ REEEEEEEEEMMMMUUUUUUUUUUUS!!

~Security guards restrain the fangirls, with difficulty. Remus nonetheless freaks out and actually scrambles up the Arch!

Remus - *sobbing* No more! No more! Get them away from me! Heeeeeelp!

Director - . Grrrrrrr...CUUUUUT! ALL UNAUTHORIZED FANGIRLS OUT OF THE BUILDING! AND I MEAN **_N O W_**!!! *much quieter* You can come down from there now, Remus. The fangirls are all gone. You're safe now. They're not going to hurt you, and may I be struck by lightning if they ever get in this building again...*even quieter* Merlin, I've had it up to HERE with that moronic stage-movement prompter...

~Remus descends the Arch, still trembling...however, by the time he reaches the bottom he has completely forgotten the incident. He starts wandering off again~

Harry - Excuse me professor...according to the script -

Director - Cut! Remember, stay in character! ACTION!

Harry- Excuse me, professor...did you see what happened after Sirius went through the Veil?

Remus - ??? Who's Sirius?

Harry - @_@ Uh - your friend...

Remus - *lightbulb appears over head* Oh yeah!

Harry - *sigh*

Remus - Is he missing? What happened to him?

Harry - I think he fell through the Veil.

Remus - Who??

Harry- SIRIUS! .

Remus - Oh, Sirius. What about him?

Harry - He fell through the Veil!

Remus - Who??

Harry - *losing his temper completely* SIRIUS FELL THROUGH THE VEIL!!

Remus - Oh. Right.........Merlin! Sirius fell through the Veil! We've got to go save him!

Harry - . That's what I've been TRYING to tell you!

Remus - Then what are we waiting for? Let's go! Let's go! *strides toward the Veil, then pauses* Ummm...where are we going again?

Harry - To rescue Sirius! I TOLD you -

Remus - Right! We go rescue Sirius!............Ummm....what from?

~Harry sighs in exasperation and drags Remus forward until they are standing directly in front of the Veil~

Harry - Never mind that now, professor. Since you're here...I guess you might as well come look for him with me.

~They step through the Veil and disappear. The Death Eaters forget themselves again and start applauding the special FX guys~

Bellatrix - *blows up (not literally.....)* For the last time - GET BACK TO FIGHTING YOU - (long string of Very Bad Words that the director again declines to translate and will cut ASAP)!

Director - No Bellatrix. The scene ended when they stepped through the Veil. Didn't you hear me yell Cut? Back to your cells, Death Eaters.

~Death Eaters groan. The Director smiles evilly~

Director - Oh, except you, Bellatrix. You don't get a cell. You get a pit filled with deranged Pomeranians and undead chihuahuas that you have to hang over on a fraying rope until we need you for another scene...which we hopefully won't. Don't worry. You'll fit right in. They all pureblood bitches...just like you. 

~Security guards march off a struggling Bellatrix. The Director turns and shrugs~

Director - Just 'cause I have to work with that woman doesn't mean I have to like it. Now, if you'll excuse me....I really need my espresso break around now. Plus I've got to have a word with the voiceover guy and the stage-movement prompter. See you around! *waves and exits*


	3. Scene Three: I Am SOOO Confused!

A/N - heheh...I know I'm doing this sorta outta order, but I had a plotbunny bite my leg. Meh. The Fish Are Friends sharks will show up in the next chapter...and I bet you'll never guess who I'm replacing them with. Heheheheh.... |-) AnYwAyZ....you know how the seagulls are always going, "Mine! Mine!"? They reminded me of fangirls, therefore of fanfictions, therefore the world beyond the Veil is fanficto-reality. @_@ Frightening stuff, eh?

Disclaimer - I own nothing. Nothing at all. *starts weeping. Cast comes up to comfort her, including the new voiceover guy, Clyde, and the new stage movement prompter, Linn* *sniffles* /;_;\ Thanks guys. I'm all right now.

*~*SCENE THREE*~*

[blackness]

~Slowly, Sirius wakes up, looking confused and disoriented. The camera slowly focusses on...~

[Setting: a large stone room. In one corner there is a pile of glittering, shiny things. High up the wall there is a large barred window. In another corner there is a jumbled mess of Quidditch things and heavy spellbooks. Along one wall there is an enormous pile of squashy cushions and a noisy box with flashing colours, aka a TV. A large mirror is hung just under the window, above a basin of water. These normal items seem only to intensify the gloom of the large cell]

Sirius - What the -? *reaches out to cautiously touch the shiny things, as if to make sure where he is, is real*

~At the clinking sound of metal, a blueish blur streaks across the room, headed for the pile of shiny things~

Blueish Blur - Shinies! Shinies! Shiniesshiniesshinies! Lookattheshinies! Shiniesshiniesshinies! *throws self on shiny pile and glares at Sirius* _My_ shinies!

Sirius - ....o_O Okaaaaaay....

~A Head pokes out over the windowsill~

Head - *apologetically* She likes shinies.

Sirius - *nods, wide-eyed. He backs slowly away from BB and trips over the pile of cushions, landing flat on his rear beside two people who are playing video games*

P.O'ed Person With Pointy Ears - You _bonehead_! You just made my person die, and I never had time to save! Now I'll have to do that level _all over again_. F***! *beats Sirius with squashy cushion* This - is - a - bonehead!

Other Person Playing Video Games - Whoa, Nuin! Stop it! That's not Luinramwen!

POPWPE - It isn't? *stops beating Sirius* Oooops...

Head - *glaring angrily* You'll pay for that later, Nuin.

Nuin - Heh...heheh...

Sirius - *completely bewildered* What the hell is going on?!

OPPVG - You've been captured.

Sirius - ????....Who by?

OPPVG - *solemnly* The Evil Happy Clown. By the way, I'm X-Smasher 3. Welcome to the Cell. *shakes hands*

Sirius - *still very confused* I _still_ have no idea what the hell's going on.

Nuin - I'm Nuiniachwen. My sister Ferri *points to mirror* is over there.

Head - Luinramwen. And that - *points to former BB* is Erenriel. Being boxed up kinda screwed with her mind.

Nuin - *Snickers* _What_ mind?

Eren - *stroking shinies* My shinies...

Sirius - OK, so I know who you are. Who's this Evil Happy Clown?

~Hushed silence~

[sound of crickets]

XS3 - You don't know?

~Sirius shakes his head~

XS3 - He's this - this - evil, happy, clown!

Luin - *solemnly* The root of all things evil and pink and Mary-Sue.

Nuin - We're the only ones who know what he's truly up to. Eren's the one who discovered his evilness originally. He caught us all off-guard and shut us up in here.

Luin - *shakes head* U_U Poor Eren...she's never really adjusted.

Nuin - You have to admit, it's a bit of a compliment, however skewed, that he locked you up in here as well. He must think you're dangerous.

XS3 - Got a name, buddy?

Sirius - Well...I'm -

Astonished Voice From Behind Him - _Sirius?!_

Everyone Else - You're _joking_!

~Sirius whirls around. His jaw drops. Eren solemnly picks it up and hands it back to him~

Director - *sigh*

Sirius - @_@ _Lily?!_ What the - I thought - I thought you were dead!

Lily - I _am_ dead, dolt. But we're living in Fanficto-reality...anything's possible here.

Sirius - I am _so_ confused. Someone please tell me what's going on.

Lily - Well...Fanficto-reality is a little bit like our real world. The main difference is that here, what happened is ruled by the whim of the fanfiction writer. *seeing Sirius look confused, she explains-* They're people who write stories about us. We're part of canon, which means what really happened. *Seeing Sirius still looking confused* It's like an alternate universe.

Sirius - *lightbulb* Ohhh...

Lily - Unfortunately...the whim of the fanfiction writers lead to some....

Luin - *drily* Interesting effects?

Lily - _That's_ the phrase I was looking for!

Sirius - What _kind_ of...interesting effects?

~The others exchange glances.~

Lily - *refusing to look at him* Slash. Horrible pairings. Rabid pink bunnies. Mary-Sues. Canon splicing. Multiple personalities. And random fangirl glompings.

Sirius - *nervous*....glompings?

XS3 -*uncharacteristically grim* You _don't_ want to know.

Sirius - *panicked* I can't stay here! I've got to get out! I'm not supposed to be dead! I don't want to be subject to a multiple personality or slash, whatever that is, or Mary-Sues or any GLOMPINGS! *makes a frantic dash for the door* Lemme outta here!

Everyone - Sirius, don't -

~Sirius runs headlong into the door and gets stuck, half of his body sticking out on one side of the door, the other half sticking out of the Cell~

Sirius - *muffled* Heeeeelllp!

Luin - *hides her eyes* Oh NO. Remember what happened last time, when - ?

XS3 - *gulps* How do we get him out before it's too late?!

~Nuin darts forward and starts tugging at Sirius' ankle~

Sirius - *still muffled* OW! *voice becomes terrified* Oh my god, what are those things coming across the courtyard at me?

Eren - Shiiiiiiiniiiiiiessss.....*o*

Luin - U_U I knew it. The Sues are coming.

Sirius - *still muffled* Are they Sues? Merlin! Get me out of here! Help! Help me! Please! Before it's too _laaaate_!

Voice - What the hell's going on?

~hushed silence as a sleepy looking man with rumpled black hair comes out from under the pile of squashy cushions~

Nuin - Ummm....James....your best friend is stuck in the door. And he's about to meet the Sues.

James - *blinkblink* Really? I didn't recognize him.

~Lily smacks James upside the head~

Lily - *cross* Just get him out of there already! You're the one with all the ideas!

James - Oh. Right. *strides up to door. There is a tense silence as James reaches out - and _- tickles_ the door?!*

~The door heaves and spits Sirius back into the Cell~

James - *proud* I thought so. Gag reflex.

Sirius - *blinkblink**blinkblink* James?!

James - Hello Padfoot. Long time no see. What's new?

Sirius - Uhhh...you really don't want to know. To begin with, I'm dead.

XS3 - You're certainly a lucky duck, Sirius. You shouldn't have worried - you're safe from most of that stuff in here. This is the Clown's most secure cell. Nothing can get in - Thank god - but nothing can get out either.

Sirius - /|.|\ Phew...Wait. Why didn't you tell me this before?

Nuin - You were freaking out. *tugs on his sleeve* C'mon. There's one more resident of the Cell you haven't met, and that's my sister Ferrienna. She's cool. But don't listen to a word she says...she's even weirder than me! *drags Sirius over to the mirror and begins talking to her reflection*

James - *lightbulb*

Lily - Uh -oh.What are you thinking _now_, James Potter? I know that look. You're plotting something.

James - *innocent* Me? Plotting? Never! I was merely thinking that tonight we ought to give our friend Padfoot a proper welcoming party. *evil laugh*

Eren - My shinies......

*~*~*


	4. Scene Four: Sullen Vengeful Bastards Ano...

A/N - Sorry sorry sorry! I know I haven't updated in a long, long, LOOOONG time. I'm surprised X-Smasher 3 and Erenriel haven't beaten me yet. U.U However, I did need to rewatch the movie, and I always ended up getting distractededed by other things, generally DiTO or Elfwood...yeah. Sorry. At least I'm updating now, right? I do hope you enjoy it.

Oh, and remember, please, that Clyde, my Elvish French Newfie pirate muse, is voiceover guy now. I fired the other one. And the replacement cue-guy is Linn, my sarcastic morbid Elven First Muse. This should be interesting...

Disclaimer - I do not own HP. Dammit. 9.9 [thinks] But I DO own other stuff like the books, and a copy of the first two movies, and various fanfiction ideas and characters... I don't own anything or anyone I REALLY want to own, though. DAMMIT!

SCENE 4

[Setting: An enormous, blank, boring plain. Set in the middle of the foreground is an enormous sign that says, "Welcome to Fanficto-Reality". Underneath in smaller, almost ominous letters it says, "In hormones we trust". Fade in uneasy music.]

Harry and Remus: [blinkblink][blinkblink]

[There is a tense silence, as though both are afraid to break it, which they are, and for good reason]

Remus: [finally] What's Fanficto-Reality?

Harry: Dunno. I s'pose we'll have to find out.

Remus: And what do you suppose, "In hormones we trust" means?

Harry: I've heard something like it before. I think it's on American money, or something like that. [looks uneasy] It - it makes me think of screaming teenage girls...

[both shudder]

Remus: [hastily] Let's go.

[The two start rapidly off across the plains, leaving the sign behind them. Remus is in the lead. However, a short while after the sign disappears behind them, Remus starts wandering off, zigzagging back and forth, as though trying to lose Harry, which is a really stupid idea considering that there's nothing to lose him on but extremely open ground]

Director: [offstage] -.-

[{smiles sheepishly} What, I'm only being honest...Yeesh. Ahem... Eventually, Remus turns sharply about to angrily confront Harry]

Remus: [snaps] Stop following me!

Harry: [bewildered] But professor...aren't we travelling together? Doesn't that usually mean we follow each other?

Remus: .....................Oh. U.U Uh-oh....It's happening again, isn't it?

Harry: What is?

Remus: This. Now listen carefully. You have to remember this because I certainly won't. Also it's important to whatever plot there is and doubles as amusingly humourous comic relief. You see...I suffer from short-term memory loss. Don't ask me why. I don't remember why. My psychiatrist tells it sometimes happens when the victim has undergone an extremely traumatic experience. [pauses, looks uncertain] At least, I think he did....Who is he, anyways?

[Disbelieving silence. Remus looks sheepish, which is odd, considering he's a werewolf. Wouldn't that make for a lot of difficulties?...]

Harry: I don't believe this. I should have gone by myself. I _knew_ I should have gone by myself...

Remus: Speaking of which, where are we going again?

Harry: [shakes head in hopeless defeat] We've got to find Sirius.

Remus: [lightbulb] That's it! Then what are we waiting for?

[They turn to start off again...but run directly into a Black-Robed Figure that has approached, unseen, during the amusingly humourous discussion]

Harry: O.O [gulp]

BRF: Potter. And Lupin. I might have known.

Remus: Hey! Aren't you Severus Snape? I know you! Pleased to meet you! [enthusiastically shakes BRF's hand]

Snape: -.-

Harry: [blurts] What are _you_ doing here, Professor?

Snape: -.- You will see. Potter, with me.

Harry: [nervous] Um, thanks, but no thanks, sir. You see, we're in the middle of something really urgent -

[Snape begins towing the two along by the sleeves of their robes, looking as pissed off as it is possible to look]

Harry: U.U Fine then. We're coming...

[They walk until they approach a stone fort surrounded by a large field of bumps]

Remus: [points innocently] What are those?

Snape: Sue-mines.

Harry: [in spite of himself] Sue-mines?

Snape: Yes, Potter. Sue-mines. Mary-Sues leave them all over the place. Don't touch them or you'll bring them down on us.

Harry: 0.o What are Sues?....

[Snape doesn't answer, as they are now entering the fort and a horrific sight has just met Harry's eyes.

Multiple Snapes....]

[blackout]

[Director's Note: From now on the multiple Snapes will be referred to as Severus Snape (proper canon Snape), Nice Snape, and Angsty Snape, seeing as those seem to be the types most fanfiction writers like to use... Research shows that it is very rare for fanfiction authors to properly characterize this particular character, thus the plot device of multiple Snapes.]

[I don't think they really need to be told that, m'lady. They're not that stupid. Are they? And can I continue?]

[Director's Note: Go hard.]

Severus Snape: [banging gavel on podium] This meeting of Sullen Vengeful Bastards Anonymous will now come to order. Let us repeat the pledge together: I am a nice Snape. I will refrain from chewing others out, holding grudges, and generally making all the Good Happy People feel Real Bad. I am no longer the sullen vengeful bastard I once was.

Gollum: Fisssssh are friendsss, until we getsss hungry, eh precious?

Director: [blinkblink] [blinkblink] Cut! Security! What the hell is _Gollum_ doing here?!

[Security drags a shrieking, swearing Gollum off the set]

Nice Snape: Hey! He was just starting on the path to recovery!

Director: 9.9 [sigh] Roll the camera.

SS: [looking very unhappy] Remember, Harry is a hero, not a headache.

Harry: [blinkblink]

SS: [continuing] Today is step five of 9 634 201 997. Have you all brought a hero friend?

NS: [cheerfully] I've got mine! [steps aside to reveal Neville, hiding trembling under the table]

SS: Angsty me?

AS: [looks guilty] Umm...sorry, Severus. I seem to have... errr... misplaced mine. [hastily shoves shut the door behind him that has been slowly creaking open to reveal Hermione strapped to a chair, being forced to watch a pile of burning homework and textbooks.]

[Neville gulps and scurries for the door]

SS: Take one of these two moro - I mean, _heroes_ - I found, then.

[AS latches on to Harry]

SS: All right, who wants to start the testimonies?

[Dead silence]

SS: [sulkily] Damn you all. [clears throat] Hi, my name is Severus...

Other Snapes: Hello Severus! [silly smiles]

SS: I am pleased to report that I haven't been a sullen vengeful bastard for two whole weeks.

[Applause from other Snapes and Remus]

AS: That's incredible_. I_ could never manage that. My horrible childhood and thwarted dreams will prevent me from ever having a normal adulthood...ah, woe is me...

NS: Amazing!

SS: OK, who's next?

Remus: [silly smile] Me! Me! Pick me!

SS: [bemused] All right then...

[Remus bounds up to the podium]

Remus: Hi, I'm Remus!

Snapes: Hi, Remus.

Remus:....and, ummmm....I don't think I've ever been a sullen vengeful bastard. [thoughful pause] At least, not that I can remember.

Harry: 9.9

[Silence. Then, thunderous applause]

NS: That is absolutely incredible! Just imagine!

Remus: [silly smile] [leaving the podium] Wow, that was easier than I thought. Your turn, Harry!

Harry: Me?! Uh-uh. No way.

AS: You got a problem? [menacing]

Harry: [gulps] No, of course not -

Snapes: [knowing look] Denial.

[NS shakes his head sadly. Harry reluctantly takes the podium.]

Harry: Ummm...hi...I'm...Harry...

[All three Snapes stare in surprise.]

NS: Really? The real Harry hero? Wow! Do something heroic!

Harry: Welll....uhhhh....I can't, exactly, you know, because there's no dangerous situation...

[Snapes look disappointed]

Harry: Ummmm.... Ummmmm...[eyes dart nervously around the room as he stalls for time]

Snapes: Well?

[Just then Harry spies a strange thing; lying on the floor in front of the door is a strange thing: a piece of cobwebby blackish-greyish cloth, and a red rubber nose.]

[begin flashback]

[slow-mo]

Harry - [horrified] S I R I U S! N O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O!

[the Veil flutters, then burps]

[end flashback]

Harry: Sirius!

Snapes: What? That bastard? What's he got to do with this?

Harry: -.- He is NOT a bastard. And he fell behind the Veil...

Remus: Poor guy...

Harry: I just saw a piece of it lying there. Professor Lupin, I think we have some clues! [dashes from podium and scoops up the piece of the Veil and the red rubber nose]

Remus: We get clues? Really? Wow!

Harry: Come on, let's go! There's writing on the inside of the nose, but it's some form of Elvish. I can't read it.

Frodo: [furiously] _LINE-STEALER!_

Director: CUT! What the hell is going on?! Why are all these LOTR characters invading my movie?! SECURITY!

[Security drags a shrieking, swearing Frodo off the set. Security has been having a very eventful job lately. Poor Security.]

Director: [sighs in exasperation] Roll the camera.

Harry: [continues, oblivious] We'd better find someone who can. Surely there's someone in this mad place who can read it...

[Remus and Harry dash away from the fort, subconsciously avoiding the Sue-mines]

SS: Hey! Get back here! We're not done our meeting!

[Snapes rush out after them. AS trips, falls - and lands on a Sue-mine]

NS - Oh shit.

[Oh _shit_.]

[Director's cue: Nets fly up from everywhere, thoroughly entangling the unfortunate Snapes. Far off in the distance, high-pitched screaming begins]

AS - _Noooooooooo!_ I'm too unfortunate and plagued with self-recriminations to diiiiiiie!

[Director's cue: A cloud of dust appears on the horizon, and the ground begins to rumble with the sounds of millions of Sue-feet running like crazy]

Harry: [looks back Whoa.] I think we got out of there just in time, Professor - Professor? Where are you? Hey! Don't run off and leave me! [runs frantically after Remus' rapidly diminishing figure]

[Director's cue: blackout]

Director: Ok, that was good. CUT! Linn! Get back here!

[I'm scared.]

Director: Merlin's beard, Linn! Lose the flamethrower!

[But it makes me feel safe.]

Director: [through clenched teeth.] Lose. The. Flamethrower. Now. Linn.

[No.]

Director: [warningly] Do you want to lose this job?

[Fine then. I'll give it back to Cam.]

Director: ....In that case, maybe you'd better give it to me instead.

[He won't use it, Luin. He's too busy working on his H-bomb design]

Director: O.O Shit!

[I wasn't supposed to tell you...]

Director: I hate having to disarm him all the time. OK, everyone, got to split RIGHT NOW! See you! I hope....

----


End file.
